Are You Jealous of Your Daughter-In-Law?

This Reddit post drew a lot of fiery comments. It seemed to strike a nerve with a lot of people. Do you get along with your daughter-in-law? If not, why?

One commenter revealed her own mother’s struggles with a DIL: “I'm a female. I had a great MIL when I was married. She wasn't jealous or interfering. My mom was a BEAST to my brother's wife and was insanely jealous. They've been divorced for 16 years and she still spits vitriol whenever the subject of their marriage comes up.”

Why Does So Much Tension Exist Between Mothers and Daughters-In-Law?

According to this Psychology Today article, often, mothers would choose another partner for their sons because their values are different:

While we value traits such as physical attractiveness, an exciting personality, or a good sense of humor, our parents are more likely to value characteristics such as a good family background, sound financial prospects, or a similar religious or ethnic background.

How to prevent Queen Bee Mentality

Meaning, as a mother-in-law, you need to bend over backwards to get along with your daughter-in-law. Even if you don’t particularly care for your son’s choice in partners, try to find a common ground so that you don’t jeopardize your relationship with your future grandchildren.

If you are a boy mom and the only female in the family, you don’t have to move over and let your DIL run the show. But you do need to relinquish some control over your kids’ lives and who they share it with. According to this post: “Instead of trying to control your adult kids, try and be a healthy influence instead.”

Examples might include finding something you and your daughter-in-law share in common. If you both love shopping sales, plan an outing at your favorite store and tell her about the tremendous deals you found there.

So what if your clothing choices don’t match up, just spending quality time with her will go a long way in creating good will.

Also, she will realize you are making an effort and will (hopefully) reciprocate. Just because this woman may not be the ideal partner you would have chosen for your son, doesn’t mean you can’t get along.

If you change your expectations and make the goal to get along rather than trying to uphold some preconceived notion of how you thought your son’s life would unfold, everyone will get along better.

How to Relinquish Control Thoughtfully

According to this Family Focus article, you should shift from a “management” to a “consultant” role. Meaning, don’t offer advice unless asked!

Say you regularly host Thanksgiving dinner and that is the way it has always been, try to be patient and understanding if your DIL says she needs to spend time with her parents on the holiday. A lot of families trade off every other year.

Or, you could instead, hold your holiday dinner the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Trying to let go and compromise isn’t easy, I know! But ultimately digging your heels in and refusing to budge will get you nowhere fast...Especially when it comes to your relationship with your children and grandchildren.

I remember a conversation I had with my friend whose daughter was about to marry a man with different religious beliefs. I asked him how he liked is future son-in-law. He answered hesitatingly, “Well, her brothers like him and that is a plus!”

I hope my friend grows to at least have a friendly relationship with his SIL, even if they don’t see eye-to-eye on everything.

Remember what the experts say: You are a consultant now that your children are grown, not a manager!