Why?

Do you ever ask why? Why did this happen? Why me? Why did someone hurt me? What did I do to deserve this?

I often wondered these very questions. I am a product of abandonment. My mother abandoned us, my dad, sister and me, when I was a year and a half. It left wreckage. I lived a lifetime, in fear of more abandonment. That shaped the way I behaved around people. It made me more permissive than I should have been. You tend to let people walk all over you, when you fear them leaving. That was difficult enough, but there was more.

I had an abusive father. He was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive. His abuse, triggered by his childhood demons, manifested in many ways with unpredictability. There was never a good enough reason for any of his abuses, though. He was particularly fond of belts and dog leashes. He often said, " I love you," in the same breath as, a degradation. He was adept and belittling at the same time he was encouraging.

As a very young girl, a kindergartener, a neighbor, molested me. Things that happen to you, in prepubescent years, mold and imprint on your future. They affect everything you do in the future. It changes you alone, but also affects your subconscious psyche. Now, in my opinion, this was enough trauma for a lifetime. This was not the case.

The first time I married, I married the wrong man. I married to get away from an abusive father. I assumed, that being on my own and a married woman, I would be free from any further abuse. This was not true. My husband was degrading, leaving me to feel dirty and worthless. His treatment and proclivities, added to my dysfunctions and trauma. After six long and miserable years, the marriage ended, leaving me to feel like a failure.

I managed to find love and happiness with my second marriage, but that too had issues. I tried and failed, to carry a pregnancy three times, before I successfully had my son. Each miscarriage, had its why's. Each why, had no answers, forthcoming.

Many times, over the years I have wallowed and pondered, "Why me?" What I have found, as the answer, was not what I expected.

I'll get to that.

I often see tragedy in this world. Hunger, disease and death plague the world in equal measure. Natural disasters, crime, and accidents, all play a role in the drama of life. In fact, the world is full of things that happen on a regular basis, that we find horrible. Don't get me started on rape, human trafficking and other crimes against the unwilling.

So why me? The truth is that for me, I see many of these issues as consequences of actions, some intended and some not. Life is messy. For every good thing, there is an opposite or bad. My meaning, in that is, that there are good and bad people, doing good and bad things. We make choices. Choices have outcomes.

Then there are the things in life we do not choose. Rape, abandonment, murder and or natural happenings, that impact a life. I have no answer on the question of why that happens. I do have a possible answer to why some survive such things.

My thought is that we are all interconnected and here to help one another. My belief is, that our experiences in life, help us help others in the same or similar circumstances. That does not make it more pleasant or acceptable, no. I will tell you what it does do.

It gives us empathy. We identify with people suffer, as we once have.

I went through a terrible marriage and divorce. Many times in my life, I was able to help other women struggling to get through their divorces. I was able to help them see, that they need not blame themselves. So many women, men too I suppose, go through the dissolution of a marriage, taking the blame themselves. They feel like failures. I identify with that feeling and know the process I went through to heal. I offer that wisdom to other women that I come across.

In the case of abandonment, I know how that shapes and molds a person's life, from the inside out. I share with those, who experience that, ways to overcome it, how I overcame and live with it. I show them it does not define them or mean they were unworthy. Sometimes selfish is selfish and sometimes people don't think that their actions matter. They do, always.

Molestation is so hard to accept and deal with. On your own, it is impossible. But who do you tell, who do you feel comfortable speaking to? Someone who has survived it and gotten past the power it has on you. Those individuals understand and can console the victim. A person who has not experience that kind of abuse, can't know what you feel inside. Only another victim can.

The same goes for any other kinds of abuse. In fact, for every trauma, there are people who have already survived it. Their experience is invaluable. Their wisdom is a powerful salve, for that gaping wound. This does not mean they cause victims to heal. It does not mean, they psychologically treat their clinical issues. Sometimes, it simply means that victims have a shoulder to cry on. It gives them a support system. Suffering needs support and empathy.

When tornados devastate a city, people come rushing to their aid. You can be certain that many of those people, have endured a natural disaster themselves. People from states that have regular and identical weather, will also show up. They live with that fear and those consequences and understand it. They use that to help their fellow survivor.

I used to ask why. Some things don't make sense. They don't have to. Sometimes there is no good reason, no reasonable explanation.

I do know that if someone is going through something I have before, I can help. I can be there for them. I can be a shoulder to lean on.

I know another thing or two, as well. I know that being a survivor, means I was strong enough to withstand whatever happened to me. I know that I would rather have experienced it myself and endured it, in strength, than for a weaker person to have.

I will take that one hundred times over if it spares someone else. I don't ever want someone to feel what I felt or go through what I have. I'd spare another that, every day of the week and twice on Sunday.

I don't ask why anymore. The why doesn't matter. The only question I have now is, "How can my experience help someone else." It will never excuse or negate the nightmares in this world. It will give them someone to walk alongside them. It will show them, they are not alone. We are stronger together than apart.

Be that person for someone else. If you understand their pain, be the salve that cools the burn. Be the one that shows them they are not alone.

#life #humans #lifelessons #sharing #caring