True Story: The Creepy Lady who tried to Open my Back Door Late at Night

I live in Denver, in a house divided into an apartment. My portion is on the far side of our shared driveway. A metal fence surrounds the property. It’s very quiet back here at the end of the street that leads into a wooded area.

Last night, I was sitting on the couch watching TV when suddenly, I heard leaves crinkling in the backyard. Very unusual. It's a bit early in the season for bears, mountain lions, and their friends to roam this close to houses, so the noise alarms me more than usual.

I head toward the back door, located in my kitchen, to investigate.

I hear a voice, I think.

Can’t be a voice. Who the hell would be in my backyard at this hour?

I turn around, walk over a few feet, and grab Gunina, my little friend.

I hear a clicking noise as I watch the doorknob wobble back and forth in succession.

I freeze in my tracks.​

(Fight or flight. I freeze. Got a Barney Bad Ass here.)

Did I really see and hear that? It is dark here. Perhaps my sight and hearing are failing me.

I try lying to myself.

But myself knows, and don't want to hear that bullshit.

My heart is pounding so hard I think it might jump out of my chest.

Seconds passed, and before I could move, the knob turned again.​

It’s locked, the deadbolt is locked, and a third chain lock at the top is locked.​

Not today, my friend.

​In the next few seconds, many thoughts run through my head.

I stand frozen in the kitchen. I have no idea what’s happening outside.

Maybe they think this is the neighbor’s house? No—no knock. No warning. It’s 11:30 p.m. Could they be lost? Homeless?

Wait. None of that matters. This motherfucker is trying to come inside my house without permission.

Freeze mode deactivated.

​"WHO IS IT', I shout as I dumbly head to a window to peek out.

I peek out from the corner of a curtain, the darkness limiting my sight. I expect to turn my head and see an animal. Instead, I see a woman’s dimly lit face. I've never seen her before in my life. She stared blankly at me, seeing the obvious look of fear and confusion on my face.

I think, “Was this bitch trying to open my window?” Then I answered myself, “Yeah, dummy, she tried opening the back door, whadda ya think she is doing?”

Well, all I can say is blood will be shed if possible if anyone enters my home in this way, be it mine or theirs. I'm not going out without a fight.​

“What the fuck are you doing on my back porch,’ I ask sternly.

"Chris sent me to clean,” she replies.

I don't know anyone by that name.

​I didn’t hire anyone to clean my house.

I damn sure hope a cleaner wouldn't arrive this late if I did hire them.

Could she not think of a better reason to be trying to open my door at this hour?

I guess not. She would’ve said it instead of having the audacity to let that dumb shit come out of her mouth. Guess my presence did catch her off guard.

​“Get the fuck off my porch,’ I tell her.

​"But, I need to clean inside.”

​“I said get the fuck off my porch’ I shouted.​

She stands her ground.​

I realize my little friend has been in my hand the entire time.

Not sure if she saw my eyes look down or if she temporarily came to her senses, but she ran off the patio to an awaiting car and sped away. I believe someone else was waiting for her in the car. She was gone too fast. It also answered the question that she was not in the wrong apartment.

I did not see the vehicle. The driveway sits in front of the house, and they sped off within seconds.

And I suppose I froze again.

I stood staring at the window for an uncertain amount of time. I’m unsure how long, but very likely less than a minute or so at most. It felt like forever.

My son heard me yelling like a batshit crazy lunatic and saw the car headlights from his bedroom. He rushed into the kitchen to find out what was going on.

I sat down on the couch and explained what happened. I put Gunina back in her spot. I sat on the couch for a few hours, trying to comprehend what had just happened.

Was she high and at the wrong place?​

Was she homeless? Did she want a place to crash and think my house was unoccupied? Was she going to rob me, try to hurt me? Has one of the crazy stalkers I’ve pissed off online come to get me?

I don’t know.

​And I’ll never know.

​It’s been quiet tonight. I’ve monitored the back of my house like a security guard ready for a froggie to jump.​

I always lock my back door these days, and so should you. I learned my lesson the hard way about 16 years ago. That story is for another time. Nowadays, I lock doors behind me like there’s a prize waiting when I turn the knob.

Keep your eyes on your back door. You never know when the next cleaning lady will show up supply-free, ready to clean your house at a time when only the freaks come out. Just know if it happens to me again, I’ll be ready, my heart pounding, freeze-mode activated, with my little friend ready for target practice.

Stay vigilant, my friend.