All Fucked-Up Wedding Toasts

Still trying to write at least one story for every Vocal Community in 2026, I knew I'd have difficulty coming up with a story for the Marriage Community. I've never been married and attended only a handful of weddings, making my experience limited.

I planned to write something about a Soviet wedding tradition (which still lingers in some post-Soviet countries): On the second day of the wedding, when the newlyweds come to the feast table after their wedding night, an imposter couple takes their seats. It's always a cross-dressing couple: the groom is played by a mature plump woman and the bride is played by a thin tall man, for contrast. They'd take the newlywed's seats and require them to participate in funny games and crack the charades or to buy back their seats. It can be incredibly funny if the imposters have some comedic talent or come prepared with games and wits. But that's about it, that story would have been just about this one paragraph, definitely not enough for the Marriage Community.

So I decided to enlist the help of my fellow Vocalites and on March 2, 2026 I put out this unofficial challenge announcement:

Your challenge is to write a wedding toast of 75–150 words that sounds celebratory on the surface, but contains something that unsettles the couple and the guests.

The Vocalites have delivered, and I've received incredibly funny and creative entries. Some of them made me cry of laughter and some - of the potentially horrifying consequences, but all of them were very very good.

I couldn't decide which ones I liked the most, so I've sent a small tip to everyone who submitted a toast. I felt like Oprah today: "You've got a small tip! And you've got a small tip! Everyone's got a small tip!" You guys nearly broke my Vocal bank!

For some reason I didn't get a confirmation of tips delivered to a couple of people so if you haven't received yours please let me know in the comments and I will resend it to you.

It makes me very happy to share all the glorious toasts in the order of submission, for your enjoyment now:

1. Michelle Liew Tsui-Lin, from a groom's polite cousin's perspective:

2. Kendall Defoe, a toast by a server who went for the marriage's jugular

3. Raymond G. Taylor, from a third wheel perspective:

4. Matthew J. Fromm, a toast by a roommate who'd seen too much

5. Sam Spinelli, a toast by a body-image-obsessed maid of honor:

6. Kelli Sheckler-Amsden, a toast by a betrayed (not bitter) best friend:

7. Diane Foster, a toast to a beautiful lie about the relationship's origin:

8. Susan Payton, a toast to the serial wedding specialist of a groom

9. Denise E Lindquist, a toast to a wedding night sandwich

10. Tina D. Lopez, a sad toast by the bride herself

11. Tiffany Gordon, a very cold-served revenge toast:

12. Novel Allen, a toast to a bigamist:

13. Harper Lewis, a toast exposing marriage for money:

14. Susan Payton, again: a toast to resuming child support, hopefully

15. Paul Stewart, to the best man's lassie finally learning the truth!:

16. Lamar Wiggins, a toast from the bride's drunk uncle:

17. Cristal S., a toast by the bride's younger sister:

18. Bride of Sound, a bride's Dad's joke toast:

19. Andrea Corwin with a Tony the truth-sayer's toast:

20. Mike Singleton 💜 Mikeydred with a "naked vows" toast:

21. A. J. Schoenfeld, a heart-felt welcome to the bride from her mother-in-law

22. Gregory Payton, a toast from the bride's freshly former husband

23. Lightning Bolt ⚡ (Bill), a toast by a left-out slurring friend

Here are my own toasts I published to keep the challenge alive:

#1, from a long-time friend, witness to the long-time relationship

#2, a random toast by a wedding crasher:

#3, by a groom's coworker, secretly in love with the groom

I hope you read them all and enjoy them as much as I did. Again, thanks everyone for playing. It was a blast!