Are You Too Strong of a Person?

You can withstand anything…Or so your friends and family think. Everyone tells you how strong you are. In fact, people come to you with their problems since they believe you can handle anything.

Truth is, you need help too. Sometimes life goes awry and you need a shoulder to lean on as well. Only, do you even know how?

Ways to Ask for Help

First of all, you have to get over the idea that vulnerability is a weakness.

This “Ask a Therapist” article reminds us that just because you are considered a strong person, doesn’t mean you have to go it alone. The author suggests talking to a close friend whom you trust, and saying something like, “I could really use a shoulder to lean on right now.”

And above all, never ever feel guilty about asking for help. When I was going through a tough time in my life, I really discovered who my friends were. Up until that point, I thought I had a group of close pals that I could count on. After all, I would drop everything for them.…Turns out the feeling wasn’t mutual.

This Reddit thread was eye opening. Users related the same message. They were there for every single one of their friends, but nobody showed up for them.

This post was especially heart-breaking:

“My mom died in January. Of my very limited group of friends, only one came to the funeral. Non sent flowers. It was incredibly eye opening.”

Another post I can completely relate to:

“I feel this way so much, in my case when I discuss whatever I’m going through.. either the person isn’t fully present or they end up making excuses to dip out from the conversation and it’s pretty obvious they don’t want to hear my issues or problems because it’s too negative meanwhile they can vent, rant and dish out whatever they feel like but I’m supposed to comfort them???”

After spending every single day for a month comforting my friend who’s husband lost his job, I was going through something, and she was always too busy to talk. And honestly, I wasn’t in any way burdening her. I had given up so much of my time listening to her cry on the phone everyday. (Her husband found a job, by the way.)

Should You Drop the Friends Who Don’t Show up for You?

I did end up distancing myself from that friend, and we no longer speak. It wasn’t deliberate. We spoke less and less and then when I moved away, we lost touch completely.

I wouldn’t necessarily dump your friends who aren’t there for you. But I would compartmentalize. And know exactly who you could count on if you need someone to lean on.

You could start by saying something like, “I know I am usually the one everyone comes to for help, but I need a sounding board right now, I’m going through something. Do you have a few minutes?”

If that friend is willing to listen, hold onto the relationship for dear life. Having someone you can count on is vital. Of course they aren’t a substitute for a therapist, but sometimes we can solve problems simply by speaking about them aloud.

Even if this person has no idea what you are talking about, they can offer words of encouragement. And that alone is often enough. So that you can stop doubting yourself and begin to think rationally about how to solve the problem.

Whatever you do, don’t bottle up your feelings. That doesn’t mean sharing personal information to a gossiper or someone you can’t trust. But if you have someone in your life who cares about you enough to listen, that is gold!