Is it OK to Spoil Your Grandkids?

Finally, a grandchild you can spoil. And that’s OK, you tell yourself. Until you face scrutiny from your adult child, or worse, your adult child’s spouse.

This Reddit Post drew a huge reaction. The OP‘s mother was babysitting and allowed her granddaughter to enjoy heaps of ice cream for dinner and kept her up two hours past the little girl’s bed time.

The OP (girl’s mom) was OK at first. Then her daughter became “a demon child” and threw the time-out chair across the room. Grandma tried to intervene, telling her daughter, “That isn’t the way to parent.”

OP flipped a lid. A little spoiling is one thing, but now, Grandma was trying to undermine her parenting.

Reactions from the Reddit community were mixed. Some say since Grandma lives far away, let this slide. Others agree that OP’s mom should leave the discipline to her daughter.

But one thing they seem to agree on: Spoiling is OK as long as one grand child is not favored over another.

I had a friend whose three boys loved their grandmother. But my friend’s mother in law favored the girl cousins over her three boys. It upset her sons and put a damper on family gatherings.

How to Make Sure Spoiling Doesn’t Go too Far

Author Heidi Murkoff offers some ideas on how to make grandparents part of the solution instead of the problem.

She understands that when Grandma and Grandpa load your kid up with sugar and let them stay up way too late, you have to deal with the consequences. So instead of reprimanding your parents, sit them down (away from your kids) and explain that the dentist is worried about tooth decay and, “Can I enlist your help to keep them away from too many sugary snacks?”

I love that suggestion. She goes on to say, pick your battles! You need to let some things go, especially if your folks don’t get to see their grandkids often enough.

What to Do if Grandparents Spoil One Child and not the Other

Say you have a boy and a girl, and your folks always wanted a granddaughter, so they gift your daughter with dolls and lots of affection while barely paying attention to your son.

Even if he appears not to notice, kids are astute. He probably realizes more than you think. How do you handle the situation?

Dr. Sherry Campbell says this behavior is harmful for the overlooked child. Because they wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

She says it’s important to tell your child that their grandparents’ behavior is not OK, and then plan family activities where each child feels valued and appreciated.

This article on Artful Parent suggests speaking to grandparents about their behavior, because a lot of times, they may not realize they‘re playing favorites. Perhaps one child is easier to connect with than his sibling, or they see themselves more in one child over another.

It’s human, but your folks need to recognize the damaging consequences on the overlooked child. If your parents (or your in-laws) don’t or won’t change, set boundaries and limit time with them.

Recap

1. It is OK to spoil your grandkids a little as long as you don’t undermine your children’s parenting.

2. Realize that too many sweets and not enough sleep has consequences. You may not experience the fall out, but your son or daughter will!

3. Make an effort not to spoil one grandchild over another. You may relate to one more than the other, but put yourself in that child’s shoes. He/she loves you and feels inadequate if they think you don’t love them back.