Secret Letter

By now we're all well aware of what happened to me/us between 2020 and 2023. Today is Tuesday March 24, 2026, as I'm writing this; unknown if and when this should be published regarding Vocal's rules and regulations on each post. In Dissociative disorders and trauma-based responses are a good place to be. Timeline wise, but for clarification, some of the stuff I have brought up in past entries do deserve a trigger warning, and I am learning as a writer to disclose some of that shock value.

I know I brought this up before, but I never went into detail publicly about what I told Mark all those many years ago. Hi, my name is Amanda and I have a Dissociative Disorder as a result of repeat trauma that affected me cognitively, emotionally, and physically.

When I was a little girl, I found myself through many names, some really big, most very long, and more commonly, and accepted, were the Christian-based names. Between my workbook with the deities Lucifer and Loki, I found myself under the thoughtful, stern, watchful, and concerned eye of Jesus. I know, poetic eye-roll... when I was in high school one warm afternoon on my way to work, I met a man who called himself a follower of Christ and tried to spread the good word.

I was on a Los Angeles Blue Line Metro and some guy had absent-mindedly gotten on the train that my best friend and I were on and started mumbling something about the good word while his hand was in his bag like he was holding something nobody wanted to see (my guess, and I'll gladly bet on it until the day I die was that it was a gun he was holding.) that was a really scary day for me.

By that time, I had no idea nor did I really care for what brain was saying in Abstract Art and Spiritual and Religious beliefs. I was a child who wanted so desperately to enjoy the time that was gifted to her for as long as it was given to her, given the circumstances. But as an adult who has studied her brain map through countless CT and MRI studies for most of her life through programs like Brain Recovery Project, who gave me an award for my contribution to neuroscience in 2014 - this was an interest of mine to ask about.

That's when I really learned about the poltical processor in the brain known as Neural Polorization. The brain processes politics through specialized, partisan-dependent neural networks that prioritize emotion and threat detection over cold logic. I'm still learning about this to this day, regarding and recognizing key traits of this steady belief system in my head that Jesus helped and probably saved my life alongside names such as Michael and Gabriel who were helping Lucifer go dormant after first interacting with me. As well as, asserting a strong relationship between me and God after my interaction with Lucifer and Loki.

A Relationship that to this day is still tested on, regarding what little I know and what little I should not know. As it were, if God really was overhearing me write some of this down He/It, would they be on board with some of the stuff I have said and still have to say? No, probably not. But I like to think that, even though in 2020 I had called on Loki, Michael had been given old data about me that was from the early 2000's which hurt u us momentarilly (hated that by the way), Lucifer had woken up, and I had tried killing myself after a miscarriage that then turned into a parallel universe with someone who does not know I exist, I like to think that God and Jesus in some weird twisted reality were side-by-side with me while I fought my damndest to stay aware, alert, and in the present, after being yanked on in the middle of a dissociative episode.